March 2020 Reflection

2020-04-01

Hello,

It is currently 5:00am, April 1st. I don’t have a full reflection for the month of March because we are in the middle of a pandemic where everything is very confusing and the future unpredictable.

I don’t feel like reflecting on the month of March as I have these previous months. Maybe I will come back to reflect on it and update this in the future but right now it is too depressing to.

We are currently in isolation/ social distancing in Canada, meaning we are recommended to stay home except for emergencies (ie, groceries, pharmacy, exercise, etc) for our safety and for others’ safety. It seems like not every person in my community is staying home at the moment which is very frustrating because the problem gets dragged on for longer because of any spread that they cause which means we stay in isolation for longer.

Personally, I can slowly feel my sanity creeping away - living alone is not healthy for me… mad respect for anybody that prefers it. My mental health is slowly getting worse, especially my anxiety; physical health is not good. Circadian rhythm is none existent, and career life halted completely.

The worst part is that even though in the scope of my personal life, shit sucks, I can’t let myself feel bad because there are individuals suffering much worse problems during this pandemic. I think about the healthcare workers, most of which have families of their own, risking their lives everyday to help others. There are labour workers who live paycheck to paycheck who wish to work but can’t for safety or other constraints. And, the people who lost loved ones, my heart goes out to them. Compared to this, my problems are minuscule. I should be grateful that I have a safe shelter to stay in. I should be grateful I have enough money to live through this “work from home” period. I should be grateful that my university provides online courses and options for us to remain as stress-free as possible from school during this disruption. But, due to the nature of the human psyche (I think… psych majors prove me wrong pls!!), I can only see my problems and focus on my stupid, insignificant, first-world struggles. That bothers me.

Then, on top of this positive feedback loop of feeling bad, it almost turns into an excuse to not do my job aka school work. I think my brain tricks itself to thinking that there exists much more important problems out there in the world right now that learning about circuits seems like the most insignificant thing a person can put their efforts towards. Instead, I’ve been playing lots of games (Minecraft and stardew valley) and spending time on some hobbies (guitar, editing YouTube videos and practicing left-handed writing) as if I was given permission to give up on school entirely already. I mean, I kind of have because most of my courses’ final exams are now only worth 5%, but it still doesn’t serve as an opportunity to throw learning away.

I know this entire spiel was messy and long but it is an attempt to organize the crazy, bouncing thoughts in my mind right now. Today marks the day I am able to slightly grasp what I need to do and how to have a daily routine. I’ve written down couple goals I want to work towards this summer and I have decided that summer starts now. Meaning, I need to treat this time period as the beginning of summer break. Hence the flexibility in my schedule, reduced stress from school, and wacky sleep schedule haha.

There are a couple positives so far, if I force myself to be positive for a hot second. I’ve managed to reconnect with old friends and new via messenger which is always nice. I call and text my friends much more often - I was really bad at keeping up with this before. And, I’ve learnt to cook many new recipes which is fun!

From here on, I am going to spend the abundance of free time that I have towards those summer goals, including new projects (I miss coding!) and be conscious of how much time is passing while playing video games. I played stardew valley with my friend for 9 hours straight yesterday without realizing… if that is not a wake up call, I don’t know what is. Hopefully, with this plan, we can work towards some sense of satisfaction amidst this very unsatisfying time period that could potentially lead to the end of the world.

A very confused,
Stella